Post partum

It's really impossible to measure what I've gained and lost in this online life I've led for the past four years or so.

The gains have been unique and exquisite and huge and life-changing.

But some of the losses have been devastating beyond description and have left long-term damage.

It's been one hell of an adventure.

But there comes a point where--like poor New Orleans--you wonder whether you're even meant to keep rebuilding.

I'm exhausted and lonely and hurting and wondering where everyone went.

And, for god's sake, why?

I've been fighting it, but tonight, I've decided to send up the white flag.

I'm tired.  And it just keeps coming.

So I'm just going to curl up around the hurt and the losses and the depression and give up for a while.

Goddess, this is not what I wanted to teach my daughter before she's even a year old.

But I'm praying that she's too young to perceive much of it, yet.

And maybe, just maybe, I'll learn something in surrender that I couldn't figure out by fighting.

I really, really hope so.